I write these lines in haste for I know not what he plans for me. My uncle is mad. Mad, I tell you. Even now he stands outside my door, his great red eye pressed to the keyhole, listening as I write, hoping to decipher by the scratch of my pen what it is I am recording. A brief maniacal laughs interrupts me as he congratulates himself on some aspect of his diabolical plans. He really does need to get out more.

In addition to his madness he is also quite angry. He feels that I have transgressed against him, betrayed his trust and generosity, that I tried to steal that which was his. What is this horrible deed that I am accused of? Simply to have fallen in love, to have lost my heart to the dainty perfection of a woman. Once I saw her there was no choice left to me but to succumb to her diminutive charms. I have done so willingly and for all eternity.

But I must begin where all good stories do, and most bad should end, at the beginning and my tale begins with sauerbraten.

I had only that morning arrived at my uncle's castle. Having enthusiastically depleted my funds and my welcome from numerous ex-friends and relatives, I decided to visit my eccentric, though very rich, a trait which always appeals to me, Uncle Victor. He received me happily, having not spoken with any other member of our family in years.

As we sat over dinner casually discussing matters of the world, I was relieved to see that we were alone. I remembered times when I was but a child. Uncle Victor, a student at the University, would bring his latest work with him to supper at our house. Normally this would cause little concern to my parents but his work would be people he had found in the streets or he had recently dug up somewhere. Clumps of dirt and grass would fall from their clothing as he dragged the unknowing newcomer to the dinner table.

After Uncle Victor had left, Mother would furiously scrub down the furniture, trying to remove the rot and decay before it stained the fabric. Father would take me aside to remind to always respect and honor my family and that Uncle Victor was a very great man and very rich. Soon after, the slip covers appeared on the furniture.

But I digress.

Now, as we sat alone at the dining room table I asked my uncle if he was not lonely here in Castle Frankenstein.

"Ever since leaving those fools at the University," he said, "I have felt terribly alone at times. I knew that I had to make some new friends. And that is exactly what I did."

I must confess that being a layman and not much given to the ways and methods of work, much less science, I found the tale that followed a bit hard to swallow, though not the meal before me. It was exquisite. Never before had I tasted sauerbraten so wonderfully and uniquely served. Set before me was a service of twenty-one platters, the largest being of a size no bigger than my thumb. Upon each was a meal in itself, beautifully garnished and displayed as well as or better than any restaurant I have ever been thrown out of.

As my uncle continued to drone on and on, I ate and ate. Whole salads, roasts, and cakes disappeared into my mouth with a singular bite. Still Uncle Victor went on. As I write this now all that I remember consists of a few references to lightning, some spare parts, and live-culture yogurt.

"I see that you don't believe me," he said, watching as I stripped the meat from a midget chicken.

I was quite unprepared for what followed for when she entered the dining room she walked straight into my heart. Never before had I been witness to perfection. Yet here, standing inches from my thigh, was the most magnificent creature I had ever seen. Her size was small, barely a foot in height, but her charms were by no means meager. Her skin was smooth and clean with no spot or blemish and the rosy glow of perpetual youth blossomed in her faultless cheeks. Her wide blue eyes looked directly into my soul and I longed, no, I hungered to taste those wee pink lips forever formed in a smile that could melt any man's heart. And her figure? Her figure was of such magnificent proportion that she would rival the goddess were Venus mortal and had two arms. With such an insignificant waist, yet full-bosomed and delightfully contoured, that a normal woman would have fallen on her face. She was quite a doll.

As I sat and stared at her beauty, she struggled with a platter piled high with more sauerbraten. I reached down to take the tray from her when her hand touched mine. From that moment I was lost.

"That will be all. Thank you, Barbara," Uncle Victor said, smiling down on his creation. With a tiny curtsy she ran from the room.

When I had recovered enough of my senses to finally look my uncle in the eye, he was smiling broadly, very pleased with himself and his little creation. "You see I decided to start small," he said.

#

My sleep that night was troubled. I was possessed by short dreams and elusive images of Barbara's beauty, when I awoke to the pad of small footsteps beside my bed. A slight tug on my blanket convinced me that whatever it was it was certainly climbing its way up to my pillow. Cautiously I reached to my night table and took firm hold of the book I had been reading to settle my mind. Just as I was about to lower my reading standards, Barbara raised her sweet head.

Delighted, I moved to embrace her, but as I sat upright a tidal wave of bed linen threw her back. She landed at my knees horribly contorted. Her head had rotated and was now facing her back. Gently I picked her up and laid her on the bed before me.

"Dearest, forgive me. Are you alright?" I asked, wondering if I had managed to kill my beloved so early in our courtship.

Awkwardly she stood and straightened her leg. Then taking her head in both hands, she gave it quick hard twist. I winced at the popping sound the movement made as she settled back into place. Her perfection once again restored, she said, "Do not worry, my love, it happens all the time. You'll get used to it."

Overjoyed, I picked her up and kissed her, nearly swallowing her entire head in the process. My eager lips covered her tiny face leaving her gasping for air. Deeply embarrassed, I set her down once more.

"I can see this is going to take some work," she said, drying her cheek on her sleeve as she climbed onto the pillow beside me.

Content beyond words, I knew some must soon follow and they did when she said, "My dearest, I must ask something of you."

"Anything at all," I said.

She turned her perfect smile to me and said, "Victor is really a kind and gentle man. He has tried to make me happy. After much experimentation he perfected a process by which he is able to reduce any item in size so that it might be more usable by someone of my stature. To this day he has presented me with a boat, a motor car, and my own swimming pool. All very wonderful, though all in a truly horrible shade of pink, which he feels is the only color suitable for my feminine nature.

"He asks very little in return." She turned her tiny head away from me. "Only that he be allowed upon occasion to dress me up in various costumes of his own design. Each outfit he has given a name. One day I may be 'Dr. Barbie', the next 'Western Barbie', or 'Barrister Barbie'. The names alone make me sick, but the fashions, the styles..."

With those words she began to gag. I gave what comfort I could and soon she quieted enough to continue.

"Alas, I am a prisoner within these walls. I feel restless and long to see the world at large. I am unfulfilled and am destined to remain so."

"Dearest," I cried. My tears rained down on her and soaked her night dress. "Let me take you from this damp and dusty castle. Come with me. Together we shall explore the secrets of that great big world out there. Let me take you from this nightmare castle and bring you to our Dream House."

Then I uttered the three words which were to cause me so much pain, "I love you."

Upon hearing those fateful words Barbara began to cry once more. Tears rolled down her cheeks, the bright paint of her smile beginning to smear.

"Did your uncle ever tell you why he was asked to leave the University?" she asked.

I shook my head in silence as she moved to the foot of the bed, stepping lightly over my leg.

She clutched the hem of her nightdress and lifted it over her head. "He flunked anatomy!" she cried.

As my eyes dared to wander I discovered her perfection was in all ways but one. Missing was that physical aspect which makes woman unique to man, that aspect which assured that her earthly desires were to forever remain unquenched. At the juncture where her legs did join she was solid and smooth.

A loud crash sounded as the door to my room exploded into kindling. Into the chamber leaped Victor Frankenstein. He grabbed Barbara and thrust her roughly into the pocket of his lab coat, twisting her into shapes no mortal could reproduce.

"Don't worry," came her muffled call, " it happens all the time."

I saw the bulging red veins of my uncle's eyes and the madness that often comes to those of his solitary profession.

"So you love her, do you." He laughed a mad maniacal movie laugh. "Don't try to deny it. I heard it all. Don't look so frightened. I fully intend for you two to be together. But in the morning. In the morning I will fix it so you are with her forever. Yes, you're a handsome lad. You'll do just fine."

As he shut the door I saw my petite beloved peak out from his pocket. Then I heard the turning of the lock. I was trapped. As his footsteps receded down the corridor I heard him say, "Let's play dress up just one more time my dear. Perhaps 'Dream Wedding Barbie'." His laughter echoes still in the corridor.

In a drawer of the night table I found this paper and pen and have tried to set down these passages in hopes that others might not be fooled. It is now almost dawn. I can hear his approach. For me it is too late.

Would someone please inform my mother that I may be late.

Kenneth de Mattel, esq.